TO YOUR GOOD HEALTH: How you can help someone in an abusive relationship

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Updated: November 2, 2011 4:25PM

In my last column, I discussed the many faces of abusive relationships, and what makes a relationship abusive. The next step is what to do if someone you care about finds themselves in such a relationship.

Here are some ideas that may help you, as suggested by Susan Brewster in “To Be An Anchor In The Storm”:

1. Believe the story that you are hearing, even if it’s difficult. Usually people minimize the abuse they are experiencing. I have never known a client to exaggerate it.

2. Take the abuse seriously. About 30 percent of American female homicide victims were killed by intimate partners.

3. Try to remain neutral in the situation; don’t take sides. Criticizing her partner in any way will likely result in a woman defending her partner and distancing from you. Usually a battered woman will go through a cycle of leaving/returning to her partner several times before making a final break.

4. Respect her decisions even if you don’t agree with them. Avoid judgment. Remember, you don’t have the same amount of information as she does about her situation. She may be weighing issues such as the physical, emotional and financial welfare of her children, as well as her own well-being. However, if you are actually witnessing the abuse, or if you know for a fact that her children are also being physically abused, it is crucial that you call 911.

5. Honor her feelings. You may say that while you respect her right to make her own decisions, you disagree with them. It is very important to be honest about your feelings because your dishonesty will not increase her self-esteem. You can express confidence in some of the good decisions she has made. It can be difficult for some women to express feelings of anger and many tend to avoid confrontation. This may lead to detaching from her own feelings, resulting in a woman staying in an increasingly dangerous abusive relationship. Ask frequently “How do you feel about that?” This one simple question gives permission for a woman to examine her own feelings, perhaps for the first time.

6. Don’t give advice. It is not yours to give. It implies that a battered woman is not smart enough or strong enough to regain control over her own life. It takes away her power, which is already in short supply. Instead, do whatever you can to remind her of her abilities to make good decisions for herself and her children.

7. Control yourself, not her. I have heard many stories from women who said parents threatened to stop financial help unless their advice to leave an abusive partner was strictly followed. Others were cut off from friends who refused to talk with them unless they left the relationship. This sort of control increases the possibility that the woman will never leave.  No money and no social support makes leaving seem much more difficult than staying. It is better to give a woman consequences for her decision. An example is that if you have given shelter to an abused woman, and she reveals that to her partner, then she may have also put you in danger. You may say to her, for example, “Since you have told your partner where you are, you may have put me in danger also. Because of that, you will now need to leave.” By the way, the risk of endangering yourself is the reason it is better to refer a woman to a specialized center for domestic abuse. More on that later.

8. Show her your reality. Remind her of the person you remember her to have once been. Tell her as kindly as possible how she once had many friends and took good care of herself. Tactfully point out inconsistencies about her self-image: “How can you believe your partner when he says you are lazy when you work more hours than he does?”

9. Try to calmly empathize with her story. If you are hearing a horrific story, it is very important to avoid becoming very emotional yourself. That makes it all about you when it really is all about her. The more she needs to take care of your feelings, the less likely she is to tell you the truth.

10. Be a good role model in terms of taking care of your own needs. Helping someone you love leave an abusive relationship does not mean that your own life/needs get put on hold. If you are the sole emotional support, you will need occasional breaks from all the drama. Just don’t let this break develop into a permanent cutoff. It is OK to talk about your needs also.

11. Be clear about how you can and cannot help. While you are concerned about her, this is not your problem. You can help locate community resources, be it housing, financial help, counseling or legal advice. You can, for example, offer help with baby-sitting or transportation to appointments. However, ultimately it is up to her to help herself.

12. Remember that you are not a professional counselor. Abusive relationships are very complicated. While you can be a sounding board, friend, parent, baby-sitter, etc., the psychological scarring in this relationship may run very deep and need professional help.

Some resources in our community include:

• Lifespan: “All of Life Span’s services are guided by three fundamental principles: Victim Safety, Perpetrator Accountability, and Client Empowerment. These principles influence every interaction with every client.” In addition to helping women learn about safety issues for themselves and their children, Lifespan also assists with learning about legal options.

It is located in Des Plaines, but for security reasons does not publish an address. You may call (847) 824-0382 or go to their www.life-span.org.

• WINGS (Women In Need Growing Stronger) 24-hour hotline is (847) 221-5680, or go to www.wingsprogram.org. “WINGS helps homeless and abused women and children by offering integrated services that meet their needs for shelter, education, guidance and support.”

In my next column, we will look at the legal issues of abusive relationships — stay tuned!

— Terri Schmidt, a licensed clinical social worker, writes “To Your Good Health” for the Park Ridge Health Commissi on. Send comments to terrinschmidt@sbcglobal.net.